Author: Allison BottkeWelcome to a very special blog interview with Allison Bottke about her new book, Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children. If you leave a comment on this post, you will automatically be entered (if you so desire) in a drawing for a free copy of Allison's new book. One winner will be announced next Wednesday. The winner must be willing to e-mail me their shipping address. Your personal information will be kept private.
Many who frequent my blog know that I have a six-year-old son and a sixteen-year-old son. Although technically I do not yet have an adult child (although in two short years my first child will be leaving for college), I found reading Allison's book very helpful. It gave me insight about many important topics including "enabling" our children.
There is a big difference between "helping" and "enabling". One is positive and the other is not! As parents each of us hope and pray that our children will grow into healthy, loving, God-fearing people. After reading this book, I believe what Allison has to say is a valuable resource for families. It has prompted me to look further into the topic of developing healthy "boundaries" within our own family.
And now, without further ado, here is a special opening message from Allison Bottke:
The interview that follows has been personalized for every blog I’ll be visiting during the month of April. I want to thank our Blog Host for taking the time to read my newest non-fiction book and for sharing it here today on the Setting Boundaries April Blog Tour. You are helping to spread the word about a topic that desperately needs to be addressed—with a message already striking a chord in hearts around the nation.
Our country is in a crisis of epidemic proportion concerning adult children whose lives are spinning out of control—leaving parents and grandparents broken-hearted and confused. This painful issue is destroying individuals, families, marriages, churches, and communities. I believe in my heart that you are reading this message today for a very specific reason. Do you know someone who has an adult child who is always in crisis? An adult child who brings chaos to virtually every situation? Could this painful issue be touching your life today?
If so, there’s a truth I’ve come to embrace that has changed my life—it can change yours, too. It’s taken me more years than I care to admit, but I no longer believe in “coincidences.” The truth I’ve come to embrace is that God is the Master of orchestrating “God-cidences.” He has a plan for who he wants us to meet, what lessons he wants us to learn, even what books he wants us to read. He even has a plan for the trials and tribulations of life.
When we begin to look at everything that happens to us throughout the day as “God-cidences” (and not accidental coincidences) it changes the way we view our world.
That said, my prayer is that you will see the following message and the book; Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing as a “God-cidence” placed into your life today for a powerful purpose. Perhaps it’s to help heal your family or the family of a loved one. Perhaps you are here to help us introduce this resource to a broader audience via additional media contacts you may have. Whatever the “God-cidence” may be, please know our primary goal is to bring hope and healing to families around the nation—thank you for helping us do that.
I pray you will view what you are about to read as a “God-cidence” meant just for you.
God Bless and Keep You,
Allison Bottke
The book comes out of your own personal experience with your son. Please tell us about that.
ALLISON: For years I really thought I was helping my son. I wanted him to have the things I never had growing up. I love my son, and I didn’t want him to hurt—but sometimes pain is a natural result of the choices we make. For a long time I didn’t understand the part I was playing in the ongoing drama that had become my son’s life—I didn’t understand that I didn’t have to live in constant chaos and crisis because of his choices. When I chose to stop the insanity and start living a life of hope and healing my life changed. It’s a feeling I want other struggling parents and grandparents to experience. I want other parents to know that change is possible when we choose to stop the destructive cycle of enabling. And we can stop it. I know, because I’ve done it.
How can we determine whether we are helping versus enabling our children?
ALLISON: Helping is doing something for someone that he is not capable of doing himself.
Enabling is doing for someone things that he could and should be doing himself.
An enabler is a person who recognizes that a negative circumstance is occurring on a regular basis and yet continues to enable the person with the problem to persist with his detrimental behaviors. Simply, enabling creates an atmosphere in which our adult children can comfortably continue their unacceptable behavior.
What are some of the most common ways that parents enable their children?
ALLISON: Being the Bank of Mom and Dad, or the Bank of Grandma and Grandpa. Loaning money that is never repaid, buying things they can’t afford and don’t really need. Continually coming to their rescue so they don’t feel the pain—the consequences—of their actions and choices. Accepting excuses that we know are excuses—and in some instances are downright lies. Blaming ourselves for their problems. We have given too much and expected too little.
You say the main problem with dysfunctional adult children isn’t the choice they make or don’t make – but something else entirely. If their choices aren’t the main problem, what is?
ALLISON: Our biggest problem isn’t about our adult child’s inability to wake up when their alarm clock rings, or their inability to keep a schedule, or their inability to hold down a job or pay their bills. It’s not about their drug use or alcohol addictions. It’s not about the mess they’re making of their life. The main problem is about the part we’re playing in stepping in to soften the blow of the consequences that come from the choices they make. The main problem is us. Instead of praying to God to stop the pain, remove the difficulty, or change the life of our adult child, we must rise up and pray for something entirely different. We must pray for the courage to look deep in our own heart and soul—pray for the strength to begin a journey that quite possibly may change our own life—and pray for the wisdom to make new choices in our own life
What are some things that parents can do to break the cycle of enabling?
ALLISON: Follow the six steps to S.A.N.I.T.Y.: Stop blaming yourself and stop the flow of money. Stop continually rescuing your adult children from one mess after another. Assemble a support group of other parents in the same situation. Nip excuses in the bud. Implement rules and boundaries. Trust your instincts. Yield everything to God, because you’re not in control. These six things can start a parent on the road to S.A.N.I.T.Y. in an insane situation that is spinning out of control. However, a key issue in breaking the cycle of enabling is to understand whose problem it really is.
What is the ultimate goal of Setting Boundaries?
Many who frequent my blog know that I have a six-year-old son and a sixteen-year-old son. Although technically I do not yet have an adult child (although in two short years my first child will be leaving for college), I found reading Allison's book very helpful. It gave me insight about many important topics including "enabling" our children.
There is a big difference between "helping" and "enabling". One is positive and the other is not! As parents each of us hope and pray that our children will grow into healthy, loving, God-fearing people. After reading this book, I believe what Allison has to say is a valuable resource for families. It has prompted me to look further into the topic of developing healthy "boundaries" within our own family.
And now, without further ado, here is a special opening message from Allison Bottke:
The interview that follows has been personalized for every blog I’ll be visiting during the month of April. I want to thank our Blog Host for taking the time to read my newest non-fiction book and for sharing it here today on the Setting Boundaries April Blog Tour. You are helping to spread the word about a topic that desperately needs to be addressed—with a message already striking a chord in hearts around the nation.
Our country is in a crisis of epidemic proportion concerning adult children whose lives are spinning out of control—leaving parents and grandparents broken-hearted and confused. This painful issue is destroying individuals, families, marriages, churches, and communities. I believe in my heart that you are reading this message today for a very specific reason. Do you know someone who has an adult child who is always in crisis? An adult child who brings chaos to virtually every situation? Could this painful issue be touching your life today?
If so, there’s a truth I’ve come to embrace that has changed my life—it can change yours, too. It’s taken me more years than I care to admit, but I no longer believe in “coincidences.” The truth I’ve come to embrace is that God is the Master of orchestrating “God-cidences.” He has a plan for who he wants us to meet, what lessons he wants us to learn, even what books he wants us to read. He even has a plan for the trials and tribulations of life.
When we begin to look at everything that happens to us throughout the day as “God-cidences” (and not accidental coincidences) it changes the way we view our world.
That said, my prayer is that you will see the following message and the book; Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing as a “God-cidence” placed into your life today for a powerful purpose. Perhaps it’s to help heal your family or the family of a loved one. Perhaps you are here to help us introduce this resource to a broader audience via additional media contacts you may have. Whatever the “God-cidence” may be, please know our primary goal is to bring hope and healing to families around the nation—thank you for helping us do that.
I pray you will view what you are about to read as a “God-cidence” meant just for you.
God Bless and Keep You,
Allison Bottke
The book comes out of your own personal experience with your son. Please tell us about that.
ALLISON: For years I really thought I was helping my son. I wanted him to have the things I never had growing up. I love my son, and I didn’t want him to hurt—but sometimes pain is a natural result of the choices we make. For a long time I didn’t understand the part I was playing in the ongoing drama that had become my son’s life—I didn’t understand that I didn’t have to live in constant chaos and crisis because of his choices. When I chose to stop the insanity and start living a life of hope and healing my life changed. It’s a feeling I want other struggling parents and grandparents to experience. I want other parents to know that change is possible when we choose to stop the destructive cycle of enabling. And we can stop it. I know, because I’ve done it.
How can we determine whether we are helping versus enabling our children?
ALLISON: Helping is doing something for someone that he is not capable of doing himself.
Enabling is doing for someone things that he could and should be doing himself.
An enabler is a person who recognizes that a negative circumstance is occurring on a regular basis and yet continues to enable the person with the problem to persist with his detrimental behaviors. Simply, enabling creates an atmosphere in which our adult children can comfortably continue their unacceptable behavior.
What are some of the most common ways that parents enable their children?
ALLISON: Being the Bank of Mom and Dad, or the Bank of Grandma and Grandpa. Loaning money that is never repaid, buying things they can’t afford and don’t really need. Continually coming to their rescue so they don’t feel the pain—the consequences—of their actions and choices. Accepting excuses that we know are excuses—and in some instances are downright lies. Blaming ourselves for their problems. We have given too much and expected too little.
You say the main problem with dysfunctional adult children isn’t the choice they make or don’t make – but something else entirely. If their choices aren’t the main problem, what is?
ALLISON: Our biggest problem isn’t about our adult child’s inability to wake up when their alarm clock rings, or their inability to keep a schedule, or their inability to hold down a job or pay their bills. It’s not about their drug use or alcohol addictions. It’s not about the mess they’re making of their life. The main problem is about the part we’re playing in stepping in to soften the blow of the consequences that come from the choices they make. The main problem is us. Instead of praying to God to stop the pain, remove the difficulty, or change the life of our adult child, we must rise up and pray for something entirely different. We must pray for the courage to look deep in our own heart and soul—pray for the strength to begin a journey that quite possibly may change our own life—and pray for the wisdom to make new choices in our own life
What are some things that parents can do to break the cycle of enabling?
ALLISON: Follow the six steps to S.A.N.I.T.Y.: Stop blaming yourself and stop the flow of money. Stop continually rescuing your adult children from one mess after another. Assemble a support group of other parents in the same situation. Nip excuses in the bud. Implement rules and boundaries. Trust your instincts. Yield everything to God, because you’re not in control. These six things can start a parent on the road to S.A.N.I.T.Y. in an insane situation that is spinning out of control. However, a key issue in breaking the cycle of enabling is to understand whose problem it really is.
What is the ultimate goal of Setting Boundaries?
ALLISON: While recognizing and identifying enabling issues must come before positive change can be made, it is the eventual peace and healing parents will feel as they gain power in their own lives that is the goal of this book. It’s a tough love book for coping with dysfunctional adult children, as well as getting our own lives back on track, Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children empowers families by offering hope and healing through six S.A.N.I.T.Y. steps. I walk parents through a six step program to regaining control in their home, and in their life.
What are the six steps for hope and healing you refer to in Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children?
What are the six steps for hope and healing you refer to in Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children?
ALLISON: S.A.N.I.T.Y. Six Steps for Regaining a Healthy Relationship with Adult Children
S = STOP Enabling, STOP Blaming Yourself, and STOP the Flow of MoneyA = Assemble a Support Group N = Nip Excuses in the BudI = Implement Rules/BoundariesT = Trust Your InstinctsY = Yield Everything to the Higher Power of God (Surrender)
ALLISON: I encourage your readers to tell me what they think about Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children. I really do want to hear reader feedback. They can reach me at: SettingBoundaries@SanitySupport.com. Please be sure to visit our web site at http://www.sanitysupport.com/blogtourguests.htm where they will find additional resources for helping them on their road to S.A.N.I.T.Y. Remember to tell a friend in need and help save a life!
S = STOP Enabling, STOP Blaming Yourself, and STOP the Flow of MoneyA = Assemble a Support Group N = Nip Excuses in the BudI = Implement Rules/BoundariesT = Trust Your InstinctsY = Yield Everything to the Higher Power of God (Surrender)
ALLISON: I encourage your readers to tell me what they think about Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children. I really do want to hear reader feedback. They can reach me at: SettingBoundaries@SanitySupport.com. Please be sure to visit our web site at http://www.sanitysupport.com/blogtourguests.htm where they will find additional resources for helping them on their road to S.A.N.I.T.Y. Remember to tell a friend in need and help save a life!
Thank you Allison for joining us today. Remember my friends, take the next step and live the adventure of a life with Jesus Christ!
18 comments:
Oh could I possibly be take part...being as I'm in New Zealand and all?
This is a very needed book. Please put my name in for the give-away copy.
Susan
This sounds like a great book. I fortunatly learned from my mistakes with my first child and am now much tougher on the other two. It is very hard to sit quietly and watch your children fail at one thing or another but in the long run it is the right thing to do. I think the biggest error that parents make is not allowing their children to fail. Children grow up thinking that life owes them something and that if they start to fail, someone will always bail them out. Because of this, they don't think their actions through. Great interview.
Yes, Karen, by all means! If you are picked out of the "hat" (my last book give-away I had my six-year-old pick a name out of a plastic bowl -hee, hee, hee), I will find a way to send the book to New Zealand :) Have a great day my friend!
I don't have adult children YET, but I can look back and see a pattern of what my dad did for me and how it enabled me. I am almost 36 and I am finally learning to 'manage' my life - God had to do a lot of molding in my case (and He's still at it)! Thanks for the interview!
Susan,
Thank you for doing this interview! This sounds like a book I might need to get my hands on with a 20 and 18 year old in the house!
Sue
Wow-you know much of that boundary setting starts now in my home-when they are small-if you nip it then it seems to make it easier as they get older. Sounds very interesting!
Much love,
Angela
Hello, thank you for this post. I would love to read this book. I have been living for about 10 years or more with this very situation. My son started having problems in high school - we did everything we could to help him - we did manage to help him graduate from high school - at the time that was the most imporatant thing in my life - he could not - not graduate - wow that was the small stuff looking back. We have tried to detach - sometimes successful sometimes not - it was easier before he had two beautiful children - he is now 30 years old and his life is just a mess - his wife has her problems also - when there are little ones involved it is harded to detach - thank you for this post and for this book - I will look forward to purchasing it and reading. M
Thisi s a topic sorely needing to be addressed in our day. May the Lord bless this book. Thanks for giving us this insight into it.
This was a great and informative interview...definitely seems like a book that has a great action plan...I will check this book out as we approach this new phase in parenting...
Thanks a lot Susan and God's peace to you,
Helen
Definitely a must read book not just for parents but for everyone.
Oprah needs to get hold of this book.
This is all sound advice having gone through trauma with an adult son of my own. Boundaries had to be set in the midst of feeling so bad about doing it.
When I told God to do whatever he had to do to bring my son back to himself I thought that God would be dealing with him - wrong it was me he dealt with.
Susan - please don't comment on this issue on my blog (E-mail instead) as my son reads it. We have a very good relationship now and I don't want to expose him on my blog.
At first I thought this wasn't pertinent since I have younger children, but I got a lot out of that interview. Loved the definitions of helping and enabling. Never thought of it that way. I suppose it makes sense that I start these things today so kids and I don't find ourselves in this situation in the future. Great interview, but I will decline the generous offer as nice as it sounds so these well meaning parents with older kids can benefit.
wonderful interview.i am sure many would need that book.
I agree with everyone, this is a much needed book. Now, if parents would only read and heed!
Susan, hope to see you next week at CWF!
It will be quite awhile until I have adult children, but I am always open to more wisdom!!!
This is a great topic for a book and discussion. I think it also goes to siblings who were trained by parents to enable one of the children too. I am helping a friend of mine whose sister manipulates her into helping her out of situations, and it is a hard thing to get out of without feeling guilty.
Only God can break these strongholds in our lives!
Our oldest is 18 and does not have issues like this. At a time when she went through some hard teen issues, we did let her feel the consequences of her actions and held her accountable for them. It took a lot of the Word and healing, but God is faithful. She is a different young woman today. Amen!
blessings~
Jacque
My children are grown and I thank God that they are both responsible independant adults. My daughter is having a terrible time with her 3 step sons. I think her husband is more of the enabler but anyway I would love to have the book for them. Please put my name in. Great interview. Thanks so much!
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